And then the fight started - No. 9
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started.....
Regards,
N
And then the fight started - No. 8
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible.."
My loving wife of 20 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And then the fight started.....
Regards,
N
And then the fight started - No. 7
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it...... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
Regards,
N
Great one-liners about Rajnikanth
With the new Rajinikanth movie around ... .... ... ...
Keep reading.
Some crazy & wackiest Rajini one-liners from the Internet you shouldn't miss:
Regards,
N
Bhagavat Gita - Chapter 19
With so many friends who are ever-so-eager to contribute absolute gems, there are times that one doesn't even have to think of a suitable post for my Something to Smile blog!
Do take a look at this one - and enjoy!
Arjun: Hey Vasudev, how can I do the most heinous and unpardonable act of forwarding junk mail that I receive, to my friends, relatives and revered elders?
Krishna: Hey Paartha, at this moment, none of them is your friend or foe, relative or in-law, young or old and good or evil. You have no escape from following your Net-Dharma. Make haste to log on and send off the junk mail to one and all. That is the only Karma expected of you and Dharma you must follow.
Arjun: Hey Murari ! Do not implore me to do something that pricks my conscience and stirs my soul.
Krishna: O Kunti-Puthra, you are caught in the vicious circle of the Maya. In this material world, you are committed to no one except to yourself, your Dharma and your mouse. Junk mails have existed for the last 25 years and will remain long after you are gone. Rise above the Maya and perform your bounden duty.
Arjun: Lord Krishna, pray and enlighten me on how junk mail is related to the Maya.
Krishna: Vatsa, junk mail is the 6th element in the universe – Aap, Vaayu, Jal, Agni, Aakaash and Junk Mail. It is at the same time animate and inanimate, living and dead beat. It overloads the system and fills up the hard disk. But it serves one great purpose. It leads people to believe that they are filling their time in an intellectual pursuit by reading and reforwarding junk mail. It gives them a sense of achievement without investing their intellect and efforts. Like the Atman that leaves one's physical body and moves on to another, the junk mail moves from system to system and never gets deleted or dies.
Arjun: Great Giridhaari, kindly tell me what the true attributes of junk mail are.
Krishna: Neither fire can burn it, nor air can evaporate it. Neither can it be conquered nor can it be defeated. Junk mail is omnipresent and immortal like your noble and eternal soul. Unlike an arrow shot from your bow, many a time the junk mail forwarded by you, will even return to you safely after some months or even years, allowing you to re-re-forward it to the same people.
Arjun: Great Saarathi, my salutations to you. You have opened my eyes to the cult of junk mail. I was lost in the Maya and have been reading all the junk mail that I keep receiving and doing no other Karma. Now on, I will just press the "Forward" button without reading any of it and send it to all and sundry, friends and foes, relatives and in-laws, young and old. That will surely bring them to their knees in this epochal battle of Good against Evil, in the Kurukshetra.
Krishna: Arjuna, victory or defeat is not in your hands. Do not ponder over the fruits of your labour. Just keep forwarding junk mail and make one and all go bananas reading it and you will have done your supreme duty. Tathastu.
Regards,
N
Perspective
Something to smile, indeed.
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Regards,
N
And then the fight started - No. 6
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started.....
Regards,
N
And then the fight started - No. 5
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
Regards,
N
And then the fight started - No. 4
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
Regards,
N
And then the fight started - No. 3
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girl friend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
Regards,
N
And then the fight started - No. 2
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
Regards,
N
And then the fight started - No. 1
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started....
Regards,
N
All is well with Ram getting Peace of Mind!
At last, Ram gets his due. For so many centuries after vanvas, he was apparently not able to live in peace, with different family members and close aides moving on to focus on different aspects of life.
Read this wonderful forward:
Received from a friend, enjoy it.
After the recent HC verdict:
"It is good that Ram gets some part of the land to settle down,
because now, Sita is running a travel agency,
Maruti is making cars,
Laxman might retire after the series against Australia,
Shatrughan has joined BJP,
Raavan is already a commercial flop and there is peace in Lanka!!!!"
N
One more danger for Planet Earth
Take a look at this one:
Once you read it, you might as well decide to live it up. With all those cosmic dangers, might as well make the most of whatever little time that we have while we're still around!
Regards,
N
Israeli Dog vs Arab Dog
Got this from one of my schoolmates. As Vadivelu, the Tamil comedian mentions in one of the films, "Wonder if these folks sit and think all day long to come up all these weird ones"!!!
Read on & enjoy:
Original source unknown
The Israeli Dog Vs the Arab Dog.
The Israelis and Arabs realized that if they continued fighting, they
would someday end up destroying the whole world.
So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice:
A duel of two, like David and Goliath.
This would be a dog fight. The negotiators agreed each side would take 5
years to develop the best fighting dog they could.
The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the
disputed areas.
The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.
The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermanns and Rottweilers in the
world.
They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the
meanest Siberian wolves.
They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it
the best food and killed all the other puppies.
They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing
machine.
After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars
on its cage.
Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty, ferocious
beast.
When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed
up with a very strange animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!!
Everyone at the dog-fight arena felt sorry for the Israelis.
No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any
chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp.
The bookies all took one look and predicted the Arab dog would win in
less than a minute.
The cages were opened. The Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of
the ring.
The Arab dog leaped from his cage and charged at the giant wiener-dog.
As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its
jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite.
There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab
killer-dog's tail floating to the ground.
The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media
personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.
The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in
disbelief.
"We do not understand," said their leader, "our top scientists and
breeders worked for 5 years with the meanest, biggest
Dobermanns , Rottweilers and Siberian wolves.
They developed an incredible killing machine of a dog.
The Israeli General replied. "Well, for 5 years we have had a team of
Jewish plastic surgeons in Beverly Hills , California ,
working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
Regards,
N
Latest jokes on Very Very Special Laxman!
This one is for all of you who are keen cricket fans.
Just wanted the euphoria (if you are an Indian fan) / dismay (should you be an Aussie fan) to calm down a bit before sending this forward that I got from a friend.
Read on:
In light of Laxman's rear guard action some actions have been taken.
# Flash: Home Ministry has issued advisory for all people named Laxman
against traveling to Australia
# I won't be surprised if Laxman is made honorary Australian citizen:
better to have him on your side than a constant thorn in the flesh...
# I hereby declare that I am starting proceedings to find
LaxmanJanmabhoomi so we can build a Laxman temple.
# Last week belonged to Ram. This week belongs to Laxman
# lets demolish the hospital where Laxman was born n build a bhavya
Laxman mandir!
# aussies will have answer for everyone but for vvs laxman (very very
special) they crumble and cry like a child .
# Sydney se 50-50 kos door gaon me jab koi cricketer rota hai..toh uski
maa kehti hai beta chup hoja nahi toh laxman aa jaega
# Dear Kalmadi, if u have an extra gold medal pls give it to VVS
Laxman, he deserves!! And a Silver to Ishant & a Bronze to Raina for
running
# Gandhiji's last words were - 'Hey Ram', Ponting's last words would be
'Hey laxman'
# The day VVS LAXMAN retires from Test cricket, it will be a National
holiday in Australia
Regards,
N
BJP notice to Congress after bjp.com redirected to Congress website
Just saw a news item about yet another case of apparent cyber-crime. Apparently, BJP has filed a case against the Congress for redirecting visitors trying to access BJP.com to the official website of Congress.
Take a look at this link:
I'm sure that the usual round of conspiracy theorists would start off on every tangent available especially for such occasions. I thought that I'll provide a helping hand to them:
(Warning & Special Disclaimer: These are all imaginary allegations / conspiracy theories and are intended only as a matter of satire and humour - Not to be taken seriously, not intended to hurt the image, reputation etc. of the various parties.)
Conspiracy Theory # 1 - Useful for the BJP top brass"Apparently, the Congress folks can't go any cheaper - they've actually misused their power to not only illegally and immorally buy the domain name, but have also chosen to divert all our traffic to their own website"
Conspiracy Theory # 2 - Useful for the Congress High Command
"This is a conspiracy of the BJP - They have been trying to tarnish our image in all possible ways, and they have run out of ideas. Hence, they've started a new smear game. They have secretly bought the bgp.com domain name, hacked our official website and diverted the traffic to bjp.com to our own website. Just out of spite and to falsely blame us of one more "wrong-doing"
Conspiracy Theory # 3 - Useful for the Left Parties, BSP, RJD, etc.
"Both the BJP & the Congress just two sides of the same coin - Power-hungry folks who are scared of us. To divert attention of the people from our own growing popularity, they have together conspired and resorted to such a gimmick so that their own parties will get a larger mindspace of the media which has been focusing on our own growing popularity among the Indian population.
Conspiracy Theory # 4 - Version of B Obama
"See, I told you folks about the dangers of outsourcing to Bangalore, India. Look at the extent to which they are unable to provide secure websites to their own national parties. You must help me pass another resolution to raise the H1B Visa fees to $ 1000000/= per individual. Let's keep all the jobs within the borders of the USA."
Regards,
N
CWG Jokes
Before all of us get sick and tired of Commonwealth Games Jokes, here's a forward that I got from some other forum.
Credit and brickbats goes to the original author:
CWG JOKES
1) BREAKING NEWS: Suresh Kamadi just tried to
hang himself in the CWG stadium. But the ceiling collapsed
2) The truth behind bulk sms banning is to stop
kalmadi jokes and not Ayodhya
3) Look at the brighter side; the more
countries pull out, the higher India is ranked in the final medal's tally.
4) Terrorists set to skip CWG 2010 citing
unlivable conditions and fear for their safety.
5) Q: How many contractors are required to
change a light bulb in Delhi CWG stadium? A: 1 Million. (1 to change bulb and
rest 999,999 to hold the ceiling)
6) Whats common between CWG committee and
students??? Ans: both start their preparations at the 11th hour.....
7) Prince Charles is actively convincing the
Queen to visit dengue hit Delhi, this may be his last chance to become the
king!
8) Thanks to Guernsey and Jersey for threatening
to pull out of games! We now know these countries existed!
9) Ek waqt aisa aayega, kalmadi bhi sharmayega
10) A collapse a day keeps the athletes away
11) Ba ba Kalmadi, have you any shame. No sir,
No sir, we are having a Common Loot Game. Crores for my partner, crores for the
dame, crores for me too, for spoiling India's name!
12) AMAZING BUT TRUE: If you re-arrange the
letters "Sir U made lakhs" you get "SURESH KALMADI
13) Next edition of CWG will be called KWG,
Kalmadi Wealth Games
14) Paying homage to the latest blockbuster
"Munni badnaam hui" from "Dabangg", "Delhi
badnaam hui darling tere liye !". "Sadkein bhi jam hui, CWG tere
liye".
15) " Suresh Kalmadi must be the first
choice if ISRO goes for trial and error experiments for manned space
mission,"
Regards,
N
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