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Thursday 26 August 2010

For those who thought that they knew it all!

For those who thought that they knew it all!

This one is especially for those who thought that they knew everything!

1. MOPED is the short term for 'Motorized Pedaling'.

2. POP MUSIC is 'Popular Music' shortened.

3. BUS is the short term for 'Omnibus' that means everybody.

4. FORTNIGHT comes from 'Fourteen Nights' (Two Weeks).

5. DRAWING ROOM was actually a 'withdrawing room' where people withdrew after Dinner. Later the prefix 'with' was dropped..

6. NEWS refers to information from Four directions

N, E, W and S..

7. AG-MARK, which some products bear, stems from 'Agricultural Marketing'.

8. JOURNAL is a diary that tells about 'Journey for a day' during each Day's business.

9. QUEUE comes from 'Queen's Quest', which referred to a long row of people waiting to see the Queen.

10. TIPS come from 'To Insure Prompt Service'. In olden days to get Prompt service from servants in an inn, travelers used to drop coins in a Box on which was written 'To Insure Prompt Service'. This gave rise to the custom of Tips.

11. JEEP is a vehicle with unique Gear system. It was invented during World War II (1939-1945). It was named 'General Purpose Vehicle (GP)'.GP was changed into JEEP later.

12. Coca-Cola was originally green.

13. The most common name in the world is Mohammed..

14. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

15. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

16. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

17. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!!

18. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

19. It is impossible to lick your elbow.

20.. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.

21. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

22. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

23. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history.

Spades - King David

Clubs - Alexander the Great,

Hearts - Charlemagne

Diamonds - Julius Caesar.


24. Horse Statue in a Park :

... If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.

... If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle

... If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

25. What do BULLET PROOF VESTS, FIRE ESCAPES, WIND SHIELD WIPERS & LASER PRINTERS have in common?

Ans. - All WERE INVENTED BY WOMEN.

26. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

27. A snail can sleep for three years.

28. All polar bears are left handed.

29. Butterflies taste with their feet.

30. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

31. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

32. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

33. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.

34. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

35. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

36. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

37. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

38. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.

39. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

40. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

41. The cigarette lighter was invented before the matchbox.

42. Most lipsticks contain fish scales.

Regards,

N


Wednesday 25 August 2010

Art or Gymnastics?

Art or Gymnastics?

Take a look at this miraculous Chinese dancers:

Regards,

N


Three Kick Rule

Three Kick Rule

Got this wonderful old piece yet again from a friend.

Do take a look:

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell int o a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cowra . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to t he midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

(I love this part)

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.

When you're intelligent, you know which half.

Regards,

N


Friday 20 August 2010

Care for a diet???

Care for a diet???




Regards,


N

Thursday 12 August 2010

Workaholic's Toilet

Workaholic's Toilet



This is worse than my worst nightmare during my years as a corporate executive.

Wonder whose idea this was?

Regards,

N

Monday 9 August 2010

Straight from Performance Appraisal Forms!

Straight from Performance Appraisal Forms!

Quotes taken from actual performance evaluations:

  • "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
  • "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
  • "I would not allow this employee to breed."
  • "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
  • "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
  • "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
  • "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
  • "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
  • "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
  • "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
  • "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

Regards,

N


Sunday 8 August 2010

Tech-savvy Mouse - from the year 2410 AD

Take a look at this pic from the future. Apparently the mouse has come back to this century using its favourite time machine!




Regards,
N

How a key Space Shuttle design feature was determined ... ... ...

How a key Space Shuttle design feature was determined ... ... ...

This one that I got from an old alumni from my old college is truly enlightening.

Read on:

How a key Space Shuttle design feature was determined ... ... ... 

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?' , you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)

Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything... and CURRENT Horses Asses in Washington and New Delhi are controlling everything else

Regards,

N


Saturday 7 August 2010

Interesting Quote to make you smile

Interesting Quote to make you smile

  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Regards,

N


Friday 6 August 2010

Driving in India - Old, but gold!

Driving in India!

Old, but gold!

Read on:

Driving in India For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India
and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival.
They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle
is only marginally safer.

Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your
best, and leave the results to your insurance company. The hints are as
follows:

Do we drive on the left or right of the road?

The answer is "both". Basically you start on the left of the road,
unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also
occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess. Just
trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road
rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality. Most drivers don't drive,
but just aim their vehicles in the intended direction.

Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the
road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back.

Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to
express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts),
or, just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar.

Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during
traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the
rain waters to recede when over ground traffic meets underground drainage.

Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking colored lights
and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of
happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking
contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.

Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi): The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an
automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine
that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle
carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and
dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations,
children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in
the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags
are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions with
other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral
children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of motion en
route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the
film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.

Mopeds: The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an
electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom
speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the moped drivers
tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier
vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped" off the
tarmac.

Leaning Tower of Passes: Most bus passengers are given free passes and during
rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging off other
passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded bus leans
dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As
drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg of passenger), no
questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three
passengers.

One-way Street: These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their
otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one
direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two
directions at once. So drive, as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are
the fussy type. Least I sound hypercritical; I must add a positive point also.
Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a
"speed breaker"; two for each house.

Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience. In a way, it
is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the
drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to
be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into
the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Our roads do not have
shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting
reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and with the peg
of illicit arrack (alcohol) he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral
functions add up to little more than a naught. Truck drivers are the James
Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single
powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super
motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually the left
one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. Of
course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads. During the daytime,
trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will never show any Signal.
(And you must watch for the absent signals; they are the greater threat). Only,
you will often observe that the cleaner who sits next to the driver, will
project his hand and wave hysterically.

This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving
is just a statement of physical relief on a hot day.

If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons between
8 pm and 11 am-when the police have gone home and The citizen is then free to
enjoy the 'FREEDOM OF SPEED' enshrined in our constitution.

Having said all this, isn't it true that the accident rate and related deaths
are less in India compared to US or other countries!!? ?

Regards,

N


Thursday 5 August 2010

The Legendary Lungi

The Legendary Lungi

Never knew that there is so much to learn about what I thought was a simble Lungi!

Guess that I haven't interacted closely enough with enough Mallus!

Enjoy:

The Legendary Lungi

Just as the national bird of Kerala is Mosquito, her national dress is
'Lungi'. Pronounced as 'Lu' as in loo and 'ngi ' as in 'mongey', a lungi can
be identified by its floral or window-curtain pattern. 'Mundu' is the
white variation of lungi and is worn on special occasions like hartal or
bandh days, weddings and Onam.

Lungi is simple and 'down to earth' like the mallu wearing it. Lungi is the
beginning and the end of evolution in its category. Wearing something on the
top half of your body is optional when you are wearing a lungi. Lungi is a
strategic dress. It's like a one-size-fits- all bottoms for Keralites.

The technique of wearing a lungi/mundu is passed on from generation to
generation through word of mouth like the British Constitution. If you
think it is an easy task wearing it, just try it once! It requires
techniques like breath control and yoga that is a notch higher than
sudarshan kriya of AOL. A lungi/mundu when perfectly worn won't come off
even in a quake of 8 on the richter scale. A lungi is not attached to the
waist using duct tape, staple, rope or velcro. It's a bit of mallu magic
whose formula is a closely guarded secret like the Coca Cola chemicals.

A lungi can be worn 'Full Mast' or 'Half Mast' like a national flag. A
'Full Mast' lungi is when you are showing respect to an elderly or the dead.
Wearing it at full mast has lots of disadvantages. A major disadvantage is
when a dog runs after you. When you are wearing a
lungi/mundu at full mast, the advantage is mainly for the female onlookers
who are spared the ordeal of swooning at the sight of hairy legs.

Wearing a lungi 'Half Mast' is when you wear it exposing yourself like
those C grade movie starlets. A mallu can play cricket, football or simbly
run when the lungi is worn at half mast. A mallu can even climb a coconut
tree wearing lungi in half mast. "It's not good manners, especially for
ladies from decent families, to look up at a mallu climbing a coconut
tree"- Confucius (or is it Abdul Kalam?)

Most mallus do the traditional dance kudiyattam. Kudi means drinking
alcohol and yattam, spelled as aattam, means random movement of the male
body. Note that 'y' is silent. When you are drinking, you drink, there is
no 'y'. Any alcohol related "festival" can be enjoyed to the maximum when
you are topless with lungi and a towel tied around the head. "Half mast
lungi makes it easy to dance and shake legs" says Candelaria Amaranto, a
Salsa teacher from Spain after watching 'kudiyaattam' .

The 'Lungi Wearing Mallu Union' [LUWMU, pronounced LOVE MU], an NGO which
works towards the 'upliftment' of the lungi, strongly disapprove of the
GenNext tendency of wearing Bermudas under the lungi. Bermudas under the
lungi is a conspiracy by the CIA. It's a disgrace to see a person wearing
burmuda with corporate logos under his lungi. What they don't know is how
much these corporates are limiting their freedom of movement and
expression.

A mallu wears lungi round the year, all weather, all season. A mallu
celebrates winter by wearing a colourful lungi with a floral pattern.

A lungi/mundu can be worn any time of the day/night. It doubles as blanket
at night. It also doubles up as a swing, swimwear, sleeping bag, parachute,
facemask while entering/exiting toddy shops, shopping basket and water
filter while fishing in ponds and rivers. It also has recreational uses
like in 'Lungi/mundu pulling', a pastime in households having more than one
male member. Lungi pulling competitions are held outside toddy shops all
over Kerala during Onam and Vishu. When these lungis are decommissioned
from service, they become table cloths. Thus the humble lungi is a 'cradle
to grave' appendage.

Regards,

N


Wednesday 4 August 2010

Perceptions

Perceptions

This one was cute.

Enjoy!

Arab person sends an e-mail to his Dad saying:

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad,

I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college in my Gold Mercedes, when all My Teachers & colleagues travel by train.

Your Son
Nasser

*********************************

Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad:

Loving son,

Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.

Affectionately yours,

Dad

Regards,

N


Monday 2 August 2010

Interesting Quote to make you smile

Interesting Quote to make you smile

  • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put back in your pocket.

Regards,

N


Sunday 1 August 2010

Interesting Quote to make you smile

Interesting Quote to make you smile

  • Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

(Friends who know me keep telling me that the above quote is most applicable for me!)

Regards,

N