Interesting Quote to make you smile

Interesting Quote to make you smile

• No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Regards,

N

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Why is Julian Assange in trouble?

Why is Julian Assange in trouble?

Why is Julian Assange of Wikileaks fame in trouble?

"Because he refused to Cover Up"!

(Editorial comment: Under age readers - Please proceed to the next post or some other blog. Others - Please quickly brush up your "in-depth" knowledge about the "personal affairs" of Julian Assange by doing a quick Google search!)

Regards,

N

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Journalism, circa 2011

Journalism, circa 2011

This one, according to many of you, ought to be posted in my other blog (Multiple Shades of Grey):

• Application for a suitable post @ NDTV!

However, it is soooooooooooooooo hilarious, that it deserved to be posted on this humour blog.

Regards,

N

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Just for Football fans!

Just for Football fans!

So, you thought that you know how to kick a ball? Take a look at this one and decide for yourself:

• Far-out Football tricks!

Regards,

N

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Meet the Chapati Expert

Meet the Chapati Expert

Those of you who think that you know how to make chapatis quickly, you must take a look at this video definitely:

• The Chapati Expert!

Amazing, indeed.

Regards,

N

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Effect of changing the job

Effect of changing the job!

Here's another old one.

And a golden one as well:

Dear Friends,

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a  question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped few inches from a shop window. 

  For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: 
"Look mate, don't ever do that again. you scared the daylights out of me"! 

  The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realise that a little tap would scare you so much."

  The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a  mortuary van for the last 25 years."    

Regards,

N

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Vatican Humour

Vatican Humour

An old one that I received just now, but a good one.

Here it goes:

VATICAN HUMOR



After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

' Excuse me, Your Holiness, ' says the driver, ' Would you please take your seat so we can leave? '

' Well, to tell you the truth, ' says the Pope, ' they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today. '

' I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen? ' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

' Who's going to tell? ' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)

' Please slow down, Your Holiness! ' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

' Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job! ' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio..

' I need to talk to the Chief, ' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 155 kph.

' So bust him, ' says the Chief.

' I don't think we want to do that, he's really important, ' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, ' All the more reason! '

' No, I mean really important, ' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, ' Who do you have there, the mayor? '
Cop: ' Bigger. '

Chief: ' A senator? '
Cop: ' Bigger. '

Chief: ' The Prime Minister? '
Cop: ' Bigger. '

' Well, ' said the Chief, ' who is it? '

Cop: ' I think it's God! '

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, ' What makes you think it's God? '

Cop: ' His chauffeur is the Pope! '

Regards,

N

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What Happens in Heaven!

What Happens in Heaven!

How true, indeed!

The vast majority think of God / Parents / Old-but-close friends / Old-but-friendly ex-Boss, and all other such human beings only in times of trouble.

Guess that we ought to begin the process of change - and soon!

WHAT HAPPENS IN HEAVEN !

This is one of the nicest e-mails I have seen and is so true:

I dreamt that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels. My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said, ' This is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer are received. '

I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world.

Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section.

The angel then said to me, "This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them." I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth.

Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed. " How is it that there is no work going on here? ' I asked.

"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments"

"How does one acknowledge God's blessings? " I asked..

"Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord. "

"What blessings should they acknowledge? " I asked.

"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the world ' s wealthy.. "

"And if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity. "

"If you woke up this morning with more health than illness .. You are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day. "

"If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ... You are ahead of 700 million people in the world."

"If you can worship without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death you are envied by, and more blessed than, three billion people in the world."

"If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you're unique to all those in doubt and despair..... .."

Ok, what now? How can I start?

If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you as very special and you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all.

Have a good day, count your blessings, and if you care to, pass this along to remind everyone else how blessed we all are

ATTN: Acknowledge Dept.
"Thank you God, for giving me the ability to share this message and for giving me so many wonderful people with whom to share it. "

If you have read this far, and are thankful for all that you have been blessed with, how can you not send it on???? I thank God for everything, especially all my family and friends!!

--
G.V

 

Regards,

N

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Interesting Quote to make you smile

Interesting Quote to make you smile

• The early bird catches the worm - But the worm got there even earlier!

Regards,

N

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TAJ MAHAL As Symbol Of Love

TAJ MAHAL As Symbol Of Love

Wonder how factual this forward that I got is!!!

Entertainment quotient is high enough to end up on my blog.

If someone can throw light on the reliability of these claims, I'd be grateful!!!

We All Know

TAJ MAHAL As Symbol Of Love

But The Other Lesser Known Facts are:
1. Mumtaz Was Shahjahan's 4th Wife Out Of His 7 Wives.
2. Shahjahan Killed Mumtaz's Husband To Marry Her!
3. Mumtaz Died In Her 14th Delivery!
4. He Then Married Mumtaz's Sister!

Question Arises Where The HELL IS LOVE.

Regards,

N

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The art of getting what you want!

The art of getting what you want!

Some of you may consider this as unsuitable for children due to the language involved.

But it generates a smile, and hence this post.

Story with a MORAL!


Once Pappu started praying to Ravan and after 1 year Ravan was very happy from the bhakti of Pappu.

Then Ravan decides to give 3 vardans to Pappu.

RAVAN: Say vatsa! What you want?

PAPPU: I want 100 vardans.

RAVAN: But I can give you only 3 vardans

PAPPU: But I want 100 vardans.

RAVAN: No child that's not possible.

PAPPU: No I want 100 means 100

RAVAN: No I can give you only 3. If you want then take or else I am going.

PAPPU: Ok! But what 3 I will ask, you will give me definitely?

RAVAN: Sure it's promise from Rakshas Raj Ravana.

PAPPU: 1st vardan, convert your GADA on shoulder to wooden bamboo stick.

RAVAN: "Tathastu" and his gada turns into a stick.

PAPPU: 2nd Vardan, put that stick in your aZZZZ hole ... deep inside ...!!

RAVAN: (confused but ......) "Thathastu" and in great pain asks Pappu to ask for the third vardan .... ASAP ...

PAPPU: Now are you giving me rest 97 vardans or should I convert that stick back to GADA ?

The moral of the Story: Management will not yield to your simple request until u can give pain in their Azzzz. J

Regards,

N

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Preconceived Notions

Preconceived Notions

I've always known that preconceived notions can be

• Harmful
• Injurious to our reputation
• A source for unwarranted stress
• A cause to make us look stupid
• A tool to bring us back down to earth by puncturing our bloated ego at a most inopportune time and venue.

Here's one more example from a forward that I got.

Read on:

Never listen with a predetermined notion!!

A teacher teaching Maths to seven-year-old Arnav asked him, If I give you one apple and one apple and one apple, how many apples will you have? Within a few seconds Arnav replied confidently, Four!
 
The dismayed teacher was expecting an effortless correct answer (three).  She was disappointed. Maybe the child did not listen properly, she thought.  She repeated, Arnav, listen carefully.  If I give you one apple and one apple and one apple, how many apples will you have?
 
Arnav had seen the disappointment on his teacher's face.  He calculated again on his fingers.  But within him he was also searching for the answer that will make the teacher happy.  His search for the answer was not for the correct one, but the one that will make his teacher happy.  This time hesitatingly he replied, Four
 
The disappointment stayed on the teacher's face.  She remembered that Arnav liked strawberries.  She thought maybe he does'nt like apples and that is making him loose focus.  This time with an exaggerated excitement and twinkling in her eyes she asked, “If I give you one strawberry and one strawberry and one strawberry, then how many you will have?
 
Seeing the teacher happy, young Arnav calculated on his fingers again.  There was no pressure on him, but a little on the teacher.  She wanted her new approach to succeed.  With a hesitating smile young Arnav enquired, Three?
 
The teacher now had a victorious smile.  Her approach had succeeded.  She wanted to congratulate herself.  But one last thing remained.  Once again she asked him, Now if I give you one apple and one apple and one more apple how many will you have?
 
Promptly Arnav answered, Four!
 
The teacher was aghast. How Arnav, how?, she demanded in a little stern and irritated voice.
 
In a voice that was low and hesitating young Arnav replied, "Because I already have one apple in my bag".
   
Moral: When someone gives you an answer that is different from what you expect, don't think they are wrong. There maybe an angle that you have not understood at all. You will have to listen and understand, but never listen with a predetermined notion. Most of the times, we do not try to understand the view of the other person and we find them wrong, but in realty it is just the matter of giving other person a chance to explain.

 

Regards,

N

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The Israeli Dog Vs the Arab Dog

The Israeli Dog Vs the Arab Dog

Delightful forward that I got from a friend.

Guess that based on your nationality and your personal preferences, you can change the characters involved to make it more appealing to your own internal audiences!

The Israeli Dog Vs the Arab Dog.

The Israelis and Arabs realized that if they continued fighting, they
would someday end up destroying the whole world.

So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice:

A duel of two, like David and Goliath.

This would be a dog fight. The negotiators agreed each side would take 5
years to develop the best fighting dog they could.

The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the
disputed areas.

The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermanns and Rottweilers in the
world.

They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the
meanest Siberian wolves.

They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it
the best food and killed all the other puppies.

They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing
machine.

After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars
on its cage.

Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty, ferocious
beast.

When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed
up with a very strange animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!!

Everyone at the dog-fight arena felt sorry for the Israelis.

No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any
chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp.

The bookies all took one look and predicted the Arab dog would win in
less than a minute.

The cages were opened. The Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of
the ring.

The Arab dog leaped from his cage and charged at the giant wiener-dog.

As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its
jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite.

There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab
killer-dog's tail floating to the ground.

The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media
personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in
disbelief.

"We do not understand," said their leader, "our top scientists and
breeders worked for 5 years with the meanest, biggest

Dobermanns , Rottweilers and Siberian wolves.

They developed an incredible killing machine of a dog.

The Israeli General replied. "Well, for 5 years we have had a team of
Jewish plastic surgeons in Beverly Hills , California ,

working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

 

Regards,

N

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Heights of Lunacy

Heights of Lunacy

I've heard of all kinds of greatly humourous examples of lunacy about airport security officials from different corners around the world, but this one takes the cake (or, I should probably say, "Takes the bakery"!).

Do read on - and have a hearty laugh ... ... ...

• Can't take your nail clippers on a flight - though you can take your rifles, assault guns, etc.!

Regards,

N

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A Virtual Pet Spider - Especially for those in the corporate world!

A Virtual Pet Spider - Especially for those in the corporate world!

Enjoy this one:

• A pet spider for killing time - Especially in meetings at office where you're stuck with a laptop, but can't afford to get out!

Regards,

N

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STRESS-BUSTER

STRESS-BUSTER

For the enjoyment of old-timers from the MS DOS days:



Regards,

N

Why are Indian students being attacked abroad???

Why are Indian students being attacked  abroad???

Of late, I've started wondering as to when I'm going to find the time and occasion to post my own stuff, considering the pace at which I keep receiving mails worth posting!

Here's one more such mail that I got from a friend.

One of the finest analysis of why Indian students are being attacked
abroad ... ... ... ... ... ...

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student
named Chandrasekharan Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who
said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his
hand up: ' Patrick Henry, 1775' , he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the
People, shall not perish from the Earth?''

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'
,said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history
than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F #@*' the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime
Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? "S@#*" this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael
Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone
said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'Lehmann Brothers, Sept 16th,2008'

Regards,

N

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How fast can you run???

How fast can you run???

Regards,

N

Meeting Monthly Expenses

Meeting Monthly Expenses

A nice example of innovative thinking!

Indeed!

NRIs, please note - And decide whether or not you wish to send money to your families back home regularly ... ... ... ... ...

A Punjabi lawyer working in UK wrote to his wife in India...

<../../../../indian_babe_group>

Dear Sunita Darling,

I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis
has affected my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses. You
are my sweetheart, please adjust.

Your loving husband, Tuna Singh

His wife replied...

<../../../../indian_babe_group>

TINKU KE PAPPA ,

Thanks for the 100 kisses. Below is the list of expenses I paid with the
Kisses...:
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man, Kooldip Singh, agreed not to disconnect only
after 7 kisses.
3. Your landlord Kapal Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses
instead of the monthly rent.
4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I gave
him other items, I hope you understand..
5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.
Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I
hope I can survive the month using this balance... Shall I plan the
same for the next month?

Your Sweet Heart,
Kichi
 

Regards,

N

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And then the fight started - No. 10

And then the fight started - No. 10

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started.....

Regards,

Naren

N

 

And then the fight started - No. 9

And then the fight started - No. 9

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started.....

Regards,

N

And then the fight started - No. 8

And then the fight started - No. 8

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible.."

My loving wife of 20 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And then the fight started.....

Regards,

N

And then the fight started - No. 7

And then the fight started - No. 7

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it...... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

Regards,

N

Great one-liners about Rajnikanth

Great one-liners about Rajnikanth

With the new Rajinikanth movie around ... .... ... ...

Keep reading.

Some crazy & wackiest Rajini one-liners from the Internet you shouldn't miss:

• Rajinikanth never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself in fear.
• There is no such thing as global warming. Rajinikanth was feeling cold, so brought the sun closer to heat the earth up.
• There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Rajinikanth lives in Chennai.
• Water boils faster when Rajinikanth stares at it.
• Rajinikanth kills two stones with one bird.
• Google won't find Rajinikanth because you don't find Rajinikanth; Rajinikanth finds you.
• Rajinikanth can answer a missed call.
• Rajinikanth can speak Braille.
• Rajinikanth's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajanikanth.
• Rajinikanth grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
• Rajinikanth once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
• Rajinikanth doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
• When Rajinikanth does push-ups, he isn't lifting himself up. He is pushing the earth down.
• Rajnikanth can divide by zero.
• Rajinikanth can slam a revolving door.
• Rajinikanth has counted to infinity, twice.
• Rajinikanth once got into a knife-fight. The knife lost.
• In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Rajinikanth could use to kill you, including the room itself.
• Rajinikanth doesn't need a visa to travel abroad, he just jumps from the tallest building in Chennai and holds himself in the air while the earth rotates.
• Archaeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236 BC. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Rajinikanth. 

Regards,

N

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Bhagavat Gita - Chapter 19

Bhagavat Gita - Chapter 19

With so many friends who are ever-so-eager to contribute absolute gems, there are times that one doesn't even have to think of a suitable post for my  Something to Smile blog!

Do take a look at this one - and enjoy!

Arjun: Hey Vasudev, how can I do the most heinous and unpardonable act of forwarding junk mail that I receive, to my friends, relatives and revered elders?

Krishna: Hey Paartha, at this moment, none of them is your friend or foe, relative or in-law, young or old and good or evil. You have no escape from following your Net-Dharma. Make haste to log on and send off the junk mail to one and all. That is the only Karma expected of you and Dharma you must follow.

Arjun: Hey Murari ! Do not implore me to do something that pricks my conscience and stirs my soul.  

Krishna: O Kunti-Puthra, you are caught in the vicious circle of the Maya. In this material world, you are committed to no one except to yourself, your Dharma and your mouse. Junk mails have existed for the last 25 years and will remain long after you are gone. Rise above the Maya and perform your bounden duty.

Arjun: Lord Krishna, pray and enlighten me on how junk mail is related to the Maya.

Krishna: Vatsa, junk mail is the 6^th element in the universe – Aap, Vaayu, Jal, Agni, Aakaash and Junk Mail. It is at the same time animate and inanimate, living and dead beat. It overloads the system and fills up the hard disk. But it serves one great purpose. It leads people to believe that they are filling their time in an intellectual pursuit by reading and reforwarding junk mail. It gives them a sense of achievement without investing their intellect and efforts. Like the Atman that leaves one's physical body and moves on to another, the junk mail moves from system to system and never gets deleted or dies.

Arjun: Great Giridhaari, kindly tell me what the true attributes of junk mail are.

Krishna: Neither fire can burn it, nor air can evaporate it. Neither can it be conquered nor can it be defeated. Junk mail is omnipresent and immortal like your noble and eternal soul. Unlike an arrow shot from your bow, many a time the junk mail forwarded by you, will even return to you safely after some months or even years, allowing you to re-re-forward it to the same people.      

Arjun: Great Saarathi, my salutations to you. You have opened my eyes to the cult of junk mail. I was lost in the Maya and have been reading all the junk mail that I keep receiving and doing no other Karma. Now on, I will just press the "Forward" button without reading any of it and send it to all and sundry, friends and foes, relatives and in-laws, young and old. That will surely bring them to their knees in this epochal battle of Good against Evil, in the Kurukshetra.  

Krishna: Arjuna, victory or defeat is not in your hands. Do not ponder over the fruits of your labour. Just keep forwarding junk mail and make one and all go bananas reading it and you will have done your supreme duty. Tathastu. 

Regards,

N

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Perspective

Perspective

Something to smile, indeed.

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" 

Regards,

N

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And then the fight started - No. 6

And then the fight started - No. 6

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a weighing scale.

And then the fight started.....

Regards,

N

And then the fight started - No. 5

And then the fight started - No. 5

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started... 

Regards,

N

And then the fight started - No. 4

And then the fight started - No. 4

 

 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

Regards,

N

 

And then the fight started - No. 3

And then the fight started - No. 3

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girl friend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

Regards,

N

 

And then the fight started - No. 2

 

And then the fight started - No. 2

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started... 

Regards,

N

And then the fight started - No. 1

And then the fight started - No. 1

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started....

.

Regards,

N

 

All is well with Ram getting Peace of Mind!

All is well  with Ram getting Peace of Mind!

At last, Ram gets his due. For so many centuries after vanvas, he was apparently not able to live in peace, with different family members and close aides moving on to focus on different aspects of life.

Read this wonderful forward:

Received from a friend, enjoy it.

After the recent HC verdict:

"It is good that Ram gets some part of the land to settle down,
because now, Sita is running a travel agency,
Maruti is making cars,
Laxman might retire after the series against Australia,
Shatrughan has joined BJP,
Raavan is already a commercial flop and there is peace in Lanka!!!!"

Regards,

N

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One more danger for Planet Earth

One more danger for Planet Earth

Take a look at this one:

• 'Solar Tsunami' may hit Earth any time!

Once you read it, you might as well decide to live it up. With all those cosmic dangers, might as well make the most of whatever little time that we have while we're still around!

Regards,

N

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Israeli Dog vs Arab Dog

Israeli Dog vs Arab Dog

Got this from one of my schoolmates. As Vadivelu, the Tamil comedian mentions in one of the films, "Wonder if these folks sit and think all day long to come up all these weird ones"!!!

Read on & enjoy:

Original source unknown

The Israeli Dog Vs the Arab Dog.

The Israelis and Arabs realized that if they continued fighting, they
would someday end up destroying the whole world.

So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice:

A duel of two, like David and Goliath.

This would be a dog fight. The negotiators agreed each side would take 5
years to develop the best fighting dog they could.

The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the
disputed areas.

The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermanns and Rottweilers in the
world.

They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the
meanest Siberian wolves.

They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it
the best food and killed all the other puppies.

They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing
machine.

After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars
on its cage.

Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty, ferocious
beast.

When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed
up with a very strange animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!!

Everyone at the dog-fight arena felt sorry for the Israelis.

No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any
chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp.

The bookies all took one look and predicted the Arab dog would win in
less than a minute.

The cages were opened. The Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of
the ring.

The Arab dog leaped from his cage and charged at the giant wiener-dog.

As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its
jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite.

There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab
killer-dog's tail floating to the ground.

The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media
personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in
disbelief.

"We do not understand," said their leader, "our top scientists and
breeders worked for 5 years with the meanest, biggest

Dobermanns , Rottweilers and Siberian wolves.

They developed an incredible killing machine of a dog.

The Israeli General replied. "Well, for 5 years we have had a team of
Jewish plastic surgeons in Beverly Hills , California ,

working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

Regards,

N

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Eco-Friendly Bike

In this day and age of "Going Green", this ought to be a great idea.

Do tell me where I can buy one, if you locate the manufacturer of this one:



Regards,

N

Expectations of Management - Part 3

With no further comments:

Regards,

N

Latest jokes on Very Very Special Laxman!

Latest jokes on Very Very Special Laxman!

This one is for all of you who are keen cricket fans.

Just wanted the euphoria (if you are an Indian fan) / dismay (should you be an Aussie fan) to calm down a bit before sending this forward that I got from a friend.

Read on:

In light of Laxman's rear guard action some actions have been taken.

# Flash: Home Ministry has issued advisory for all people named Laxman
against traveling to Australia

# I won't be surprised if Laxman is made honorary Australian citizen:
better to have him on your side than a constant thorn in the flesh...

# I hereby declare that I am starting proceedings to find
LaxmanJanmabhoomi so we can build a Laxman temple.

# Last week belonged to Ram. This week belongs to Laxman

# lets demolish the hospital where Laxman was born n build a bhavya
Laxman mandir!

# aussies will have answer for everyone but for vvs laxman (very very
special) they crumble and cry like a child .

# Sydney se 50-50 kos door gaon me jab koi cricketer rota hai..toh uski
maa kehti hai beta chup hoja nahi toh laxman aa jaega

# Dear Kalmadi, if u have an extra gold medal pls give it to VVS
Laxman, he deserves!! And a Silver to Ishant & a Bronze to Raina for
running

# Gandhiji's last words were - 'Hey Ram', Ponting's last words would be
'Hey laxman'

# The day VVS LAXMAN retires from Test cricket, it will be a National
holiday in Australia 

Regards,

N

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BJP notice to Congress after bjp.com redirected to Congress website

BJP notice to Congress after bjp.com redirected to Congress website

Just saw a news item about yet another case of apparent cyber-crime. Apparently, BJP has filed a case against the Congress for redirecting visitors trying to access BJP.com to the official website of Congress.

Take a look at this link:

• http://www.ndtv.com/article/india/bjp-notice-to-congress-after-bjp-com-redirected-to-congress-website-56574

I'm sure that the usual round of conspiracy theorists would start off on every tangent available especially for such occasions. I thought that I'll provide a helping hand to them:

(Warning & Special Disclaimer: These are all imaginary allegations / conspiracy theories and are intended only as a matter of satire and humour - Not to be taken seriously, not intended to hurt the image, reputation etc. of the various parties.)

Conspiracy Theory # 1 - Useful for the BJP top brass

"Apparently, the Congress folks can't go any cheaper - they've actually misused their power to not only illegally and immorally buy the domain name, but have also chosen to divert all our traffic to their own website"

Conspiracy Theory # 2 - Useful for the Congress High Command

"This is a conspiracy of the BJP - They have been trying to tarnish our image in all possible ways, and they have run out of ideas. Hence, they've started a new smear game.  They have secretly bought the bgp.com domain name, hacked our official website and diverted the traffic to bjp.com to our own website. Just out of spite and to falsely blame us of one more "wrong-doing" 

Conspiracy Theory # 3 - Useful for the Left Parties, BSP, RJD, etc.

"Both the BJP & the Congress just two sides of the same coin - Power-hungry folks who are scared of us. To divert attention of the people from our own growing popularity, they have together conspired and resorted to such a gimmick so that their own parties will get a larger mindspace of the media which has been focusing on our own growing popularity among the Indian population.

Conspiracy Theory # 4 - Version of B Obama 

"See, I told you folks about the dangers of outsourcing to Bangalore, India. Look at the extent to which they are unable to provide secure websites to their own national parties. You must help me pass another resolution to raise the H1B Visa fees to $ 1000000/= per individual. Let's keep all the jobs within the borders of the USA."

Regards,

N

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CWG Jokes

CWG Jokes

Before all of us get sick and tired of Commonwealth Games Jokes, here's a forward that I got from some other forum.

Credit and brickbats goes to the original author:

CWG JOKES

1) BREAKING NEWS: Suresh Kamadi just tried to
hang himself in the CWG stadium. But the ceiling collapsed

 

2) The truth behind bulk sms banning is to stop
kalmadi jokes and not Ayodhya

 

3) Look at the brighter side; the more
countries pull out, the higher India is ranked in the final medal's tally.

 

4) Terrorists set to skip CWG 2010 citing
unlivable conditions and fear for their safety.

 

5) Q: How many contractors are required to
change a light bulb in Delhi CWG stadium? A: 1 Million. (1 to change bulb and
rest 999,999 to hold the ceiling)

 

6) Whats common between CWG committee and
students??? Ans: both start their preparations at the 11th hour.....  

 

7) Prince Charles is actively convincing the
Queen to visit dengue hit Delhi, this may be his last chance to become the
king!

 

8) Thanks to Guernsey and Jersey for threatening
to pull out of games! We now know these countries existed!

 

9) Ek waqt aisa aayega, kalmadi bhi sharmayega

 

10) A collapse a day keeps the athletes away

 

11) Ba ba Kalmadi, have you any shame. No sir,
No sir, we are having a Common Loot Game. Crores for my partner, crores for the
dame, crores for me too, for spoiling India's name!

 

12) AMAZING BUT TRUE: If you re-arrange the
letters "Sir U made lakhs" you get "SURESH KALMADI

 

13) Next edition of CWG will be called KWG,
Kalmadi Wealth Games

 

14) Paying homage to the latest blockbuster
"Munni badnaam hui" from "Dabangg",  "Delhi
badnaam hui darling tere liye !". "Sadkein bhi jam hui, CWG tere
liye".    

 

15) " Suresh Kalmadi must be the first
choice if ISRO goes for trial and error experiments for manned space
mission," 

Regards,

N

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Expectations of Management, Part II

Expectations of Management, Part II

Here's the next one:

As Rajni Fans would say,

"How izzzz it"?

Regards,

N

Body language of Satyam Board Members

Body language of Satyam Board Members

Of late, I've seriously switched over from the tear-jerkers, mega-serials, Kollywood / Bollywood films, etc. to the plethora of news channels (both General and Business news channels).

They seem to provide a far better quality of comedy, satire, melodrama, sex and violence, shocking twists & turns, commercial breaks at just the right moment, repeated replays to ensure that one doesn't feel that one has missed anything even if one skips the news for an hour, a day, a week or a month!

This has prompted me to start posting a few comments based on the news items that I see from time to time.

Here goes one such:

After a pretty long wait, Satyam (Mahindra Satyam) declared its ancient results (pertaining to the last couple of years or thereabouts) today. Watching all the news channels, a person from Neptune or Jupiter would have thought that this must probably be the largest corporate entity in this part of the Universe! However, let that pass.

Channel after channel, commentator after expert commentator, repeatedly emphasised that:

• The body language of the Satyam Board members appears to be "confident"!

Believe it or not, when I heard it the first time, I almost fell off my chair rolling in laughter. After all, when board members of any little company (leave alone a company with a few thousand crores of revenues) comes out to meet the press, you certainly don't expect them to:

• Be shivering with nervousness
• Show explicitly their lack of confidence, if any
• Clearly hang their heads down in shame at the extent of losses even if the figures were far lower than their own internal expectations
• Be completely honest about their fears and anxiety about
• the future performance of the company
• their real anxiety about the negative prospects of all the pending law suits
• their concerns about such live and real problems like eroding margins, labour turnover, loss of brand equity, disappearing clientele, etc.

For heaven's sake, the media folks ought to be aware that:

• Most of these board members are much richer than the anchors and reporters and have an entire army of PR experts (both real and self-proclaimed) who will obviously guide them on Body Language
• Most of these board members have certainly gone to the same bunch of B-schools, read the same books and articles on Body Language, etc. as the media folks.
• Due to both the above reasons, most likely, the board members are also likely to be much smarter (at least much more street-smart) than the media folks.

Wonder when the media would learn!

Regards,

N

---

Expectations of Management - Part 1

Here's the first among a series of occasional posts on the expectations of top management of the corporate world.

A nice pic, indeed:

Regards,

N



Richest Countries

Richest Countries

Check this out!

Source: Received through email from a "Technical Investors" yahoo group

Authenticity level - Unknown, but likely to be quite authentic. Other info that I've received have proved to be quite reliable.

As far  as Swiss  Banks are concerned,  money stashed by Indians are more than the money stashed by all other nationals combined. No info is available about other tax havens like St Kitts, Cayman Island, etc.

Very interesting indeed!
 
However, Why highlight black money stashed abraod only for India?
The Russians, Koreans, Chinese, Japanese etc. have equally good reasons to stash money out of their respective countries.
So India can't come to #1 as yet. Black mony would be added for other countries also and that'll be much bigger than that of Indians.
 
regards
vin

From: Deepak

Subject: Richest country

Please read till the end.
 Deepak Patade

-----  World's Richest Government: Very Interesting

World's Richest Government

 
We know the world's richest man is Carlos Slim Helu of Mexico, followed by Bill Gates and Warren Buffet of USA .
 

How about governments?

Which countries' government is the richest (having most money that is, in US$)

If you are expecting North American and European nations, you might be disappointed.

While the countries look rich, wealthy European nations can't withstand a prolonged major financial crisis, just like Greece .

The USA might have the biggest economy, but the American government is not at all rich; in fact, it can't even take out $150bn if asked to now without resorting to borrowing.

To date the US government has borrowed $14 trillion!

The UK , likewise, while the country/people are rich, the government isn't.

The UK government's debt stands at $9 trillion now.

World's Richest Government

Richest governments after 2008-2009 financial crisis:

1. China
National reserves: $2,454,300,000,000

2. Japan
National reserves: $1,019,000,000,000

3. Russia
National reserves: $458,020,000,000

4. Saudi Arabia
National reserves: $395,467,000,000

5. Taiwan
National reserves: $362,380,000,000

6. India
National reserves: $279,422,000,000(Not allowed to count it's black money abroad...or it would have stood first !!)

7. South Korea
National reserves: $274,220,000,000

8. Switzerland
National reserves: $262,000,000,000 

9. Hong Kong , China
National reserves: $256,000,000,000 

10. Brazil
National reserves: $255,000,000,000

Here are the rest, in million US $:

11 Singapore / 203,436
12 Germany / 189,100
13 Thailand / 150,000
14 Algeria / 149,000
15 France / 140,848
16 Italy / 133,104
17 United States / 124,176
18 Mexico / 100,096
19 Iran / 96,560
20 Malaysia / 96,100
21
Poland / 85,232
22 Libya / 79,000
23 Denmark / 76,315
24 Turkey / 71,859
25 Indonesia / 69,730
26 United Kingdom / 69,091
27 Israel / 62,490
28 Canada / 57,392
29 Norway / 49,223
30 Iraq / 48,779
31 Argentina / 48,778
32 Philippines / 47,650
33 Sweden / 46,631
34 United Arab Emirates / 45,000
35 Hungary / 44,591
36 Romania / 44,056
37 Nigeria / 40,480
38 Czech Republic / 40,151
39 Australia / 39,454
40 Lebanon / 38,600
41 Netherlands / 38,372
42 South Africa / 38,283
43 Peru / 37,108
44 Egypt / 35,223
45 Venezuela / 31,925
46 Ukraine / 28,837
47 Spain / 28,195
48 Colombia / 25,141
49 Chile / 24,921
50 Belgium / 24,130
51 Brunei / 22,000
52 Morocco / 21,873
53 Vietnam / 17,500
54 Macau / 18,730
55 Kazakhstan / 27,549
56 Kuwait / 19,420
57 Angola / 19,400
58 Austria / 18,079
59 Serbia / 17,357
60 Pakistan / 16,770
61 New Zealand /
16,570
62 Bulgaria / 16,497
63 Ireland / 16,229
63 Portugal / 16,254
64 Croatia / 13,720
65 Jordan / 12,180
66 Finland / 11,085
67 Bangladesh / 10,550
68 Botswana / 10,000
69 Tunisia / 9,709
70 Azerbaijan / 9,316
71 Bolivia / 8,585
72 Trinidad and Tobago / 8,100
73 Yemen / 7,400
74 Uruguay / 8,104
75 Oman / 7,004
76 Latvia / 6,820
77 Lithuania / 6,438
78 Qatar / 6,368
79 Cyprus / 6,176
80 Belarus / 6,074
81 Syria / 6,039
82 Uzbekistan / 5,600
83 Luxembourg / 5,337
84 Guatemala / 5,496
85 Greece / 5,207
86 Bosnia and Herzegovina / 5,151
87 Cuba / 4,247
88 Costa Rica / 4,113
89 Equatorial Guinea / 3,928
90 Ecuador / 3,913
91 Iceland / 3,823
92 Paraguay / 3,731
93 Turkmenistan / 3,644
94 Estonia / 3,583
95 Malta / 3,522
96 Myanmar / 3,500
97 Bahrain / 3,474
98 Kenya / 3,260
99 Ghana / 2,837
100 El Salvador / 2,845
101 Sri Lanka /
2,600
102 Cambodia / 2,522
103 Côte d'Ivoire / 2,500
104 Tanzania / 2,441
105 Cameroon / 2,341
106 Macedonia / 2,243
107 Dominican Republic / 2,223
108 Papua New Guinea / 2,193
109 Honduras / 2,083
110 Armenia / 1,848
111 Slovakia / 1,809
112 Mauritius / 1,772
113 Albania / 1,615
114 Kyrgyzstan / 1,559
115 Jamaica / 1,490
116 Mozambique / 1,470
117 Gabon / 1,459
118 Senegal / 1,350
119 Georgia / 1,300
120 Panama / 1,260
121 Sudan / 1,245
122 Zimbabwe / 1,222
123 Slovenia / 1,105
124 Moldova / 1,102
125 Zambia / 1,100
126 Nicaragua / 1,496
127 Mongolia / 1,000
128 Chad / 997
129 Burkina Faso / 897
130 Lesotho / 889
131 Ethiopia / 840
132 Benin / 825
133 Namibia / 750
134 Madagascar / 745
135 Barbados / 620
136 Laos / 514
137 Rwanda / 511
138 Swaziland / 395
139 Togo / 363
140 Cape Verde / 344
141 Tajikistan / 301
142 Guyana /
292
143 Haiti / 221
144 Belize / 150
145 Vanuatu / 149
146 Malawi / 140
147 Gambia / 120
148 Guinea / 119
149 Burundi / 118
150 Seychelles / 118
151 Samoa / 70
152 Tonga / 55
153 Liberia / 49
154 Congo / 36
155 São Tomé and Príncipe / 36
156 Eritrea / 22

Big national reserves doesn't guarantee prosperity however, for instance, the yearly expenses for China 's government is $1.11 trillion, their government must always think of economic growth and making more money.

China's gov't overspent $110bn last year, much on it towards modernizing their military, if it goes on like this their reserves can only last for 22 yrs.

The Malaysian gov't overspent $13bn last year, if it goes on like this their reserves can only last for 7 yrs.

The Singaporean government overspent $3bn last year, much of it rescuing their banks from financial crisis, if it goes on like this their reserves can last 68 yrs.

The Swiss gov't overspent $1bn last year, if it goes on like this their reserves can last 262 yrs. 

A country normally can borrow up to 100% its GDP, a very strong industrial country or very financial stable nation can borrow up to perhaps 200% its GDP, debts over 250% GDP the country is bankrupted.

Greece 's Debts Is 113.40% GDP, In Danger As It Is Not Considered A Strong Industrial Or Financial Country. 

Iceland Is 107.60%, Also In Crisis As It Is Not So Strong Industrial Or
Financially. 

Singapore Debts Is 113.10%, Not In Hot Water Due To Its Global Financial Hub Status, And Also Its Financial Strength. It's Only Dangerous For Singapore When It Reaches 200%

Japan Debts Is 189.30%, Still Under Radar As A Powerful Industrial Nation. It Needs To Panic Only At Around 200%

US Has The World Largest Debts, But It Is Only 62% Its GDP, It Is Not In Any Immediate Danger Of Bankruptcy.

Zimbabwe Debts Is 282.60% GDP, It Is A Bankrupted Nation.

Malaysia Debts Is Currently At 53.70% GDP.

Hong Kong And Taiwan Is Doing Pretty Good With Debts At 32-37% GDP

South Korea Is Even Better With Debts At 23.5% GDP

China Is Very Stable With Debts At 16.90% GDP

Russia Is Like A Big Mountain With Debts Only At 6.30% GDP

There Are Only 5 Countries With No Debt (I.E. 0%) –

Brunei, Liechtenstein , Palau , Nieu, And Macau Of China .

Regards,

N

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Are you climbing walls? This should help(?)

Are you climbing walls? This should help(?)

Got this stuff from a friend some time back.

Guess that it is relevant for many of us at different points of time.

Read on:

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

The road to success??.. Is always under construction. 

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it. 

All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.

Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak. 

Everyone has a scheme of getting rich.. Which never works.

If at first you don't succeed.. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.

Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner. 

42.7% of all statistics   are made on the spot.

If you have paper, you don't have a pen??. If you have a pen, you don't have paper?? if you have both, no one calls. 

Especially for engg. Students----
If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.

You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming. 

After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.

The last person to be fired or quit is responsible for all the errors until another person is fired or quits.

Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker 

Regards,

N

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