Is a Remote Control male or female?

Is a Remote Control male or female?

Source: A forward that I got from an old classmate. Original source - Certainly unknown, but worth sharing to have a hearty laugh!

To know the right answers to such profound questions, do read on! 

Regards,

N

Ever wondered the gender of a photocopier? Wonder no more, the answers to all your gender questions are here, You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are either male or female.

Below are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong ones.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female, because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

 

Regards,

N

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English - a potentially irritating language for kids

English - a potentially irritating language for kids

Back at school, I always used to wonder about the mysterious paradox of the English Language.

Why should "put" be "put", but "cut" doesn't rhyme with it. On the other hand, why does "Pot" rhyme with "Cot"?

And literally thousands of such questions.

In those days, I thought that the entire purpose was to enable the English teacher to derive some sadistic pleasure at the expense of us "poor, little kids"!

This wonderful forward that I got from an anonymous source tells me that nothing much has changed over the years.

Do read and enjoy!

Regards,

N

ONLY THE BRITISHERS COULD HAVE INVENTED THIS LANGUAGE

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England ..
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns
down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And, in closing, if Father is Pop,  how come Mother's not Mop?

I WOULD LIKE TO ADD THAT IF PEOPLE FROM POLAND ARE CALLED POLES THEN

PEOPLE FROM HOLLAND SHOULD BE HOLES AND THE GERMANS GERMS!!!

 

Regards,

N

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Unsubstantiated & Unverified

Unsubstantiated & Unverified

story that was forwarded to me!

I've not seen this in any newspaper or TV channel. That's the first tell-tale sign that this must be a joke.

There's a second and more telling tell-tale sign built into the story to reveal that it is only a joke.

Regards,

N

This is an unsubstantiated and unverified story that was forwarded to me. What do fair and firm folks say about this?

Unable to attract even a single girl, frustrated man sues Axe

New Delhi. In what could prove to be a major marketing and legal embarrassment for Hindustan Unilever Limited (HUL), a 26-year-old man has filed a case against the FMCG company, which owns the Axe brand of men grooming products, for 'cheating' and causing him 'mental suffering'. The plaintiff has cited his failure to attract any girl at all even though he's been using Axe products for over seven years now. Axe advertisements suggest that the products help men in instantly attracting women.
Vaibhav B, the petitioner, also surrendered all his used, unused and half-used deodorant sprays, perfume sticks and roll-ons, anti-perspirants, aftershaves, body washes, shampoos, and hair gels to the court, and demanded a laboratory test of the products and narcotics test of the brand managers of Axe. Vaibhav was pushed to take this step when his bai (maid) beat him with a broom when he tried to impress her by trying to make a pass at her after applying all the Axe products.

No girl ever asked Vaibhav to call her
"Where the hell is the Axe effect? I've been waiting for it for over seven years. Right from my college to now in my office, no girl ever agreed to even go out for a tea or coffee with me, even though I'm sure they could smell my perfumes, deodorants and aftershaves. I always applied them in abundance to make sure the girls get turned on as they show in the television. Finally I thought I'd try to impress my lonely bai who had an ugly fight with her husband and was living alone for over a year. Axe effect my foot!" Vaibhav expressed his unhappiness.
Vaibhav claims that he had been using all the Axe products as per the company's instructions even since he first bought them. He argued that if he couldn't experience the Axe effect despite using the products as directed, either the company was making false claims or selling fake products.
"I had always stored them in cool and dry place, and kept them away from direct light or heat. I'd always use a ruler before applying the spray and make sure that the distance between the nozzle and my armpit was at least 15 centimeters. I'd do everything they told. I even beat up my 5-year-old nephew for coming near my closet, as they had instructed it to keep away from children's reach. And yet, all I get is a broom beating from my ugly bai." Vaibhav expressed his frustration.
Vaibhav claims that he had to do go a lot of mental suffering and public humiliation due to the lack of Axe effect and wants HUL to compensate him for this agony. An advocate in Karkardooma court, who happened to mistake Vaibhav for some deodorant vendor when he entered the court premises with all the bottles, has now offered to take up his case in the court. HUL has been served a legal notice in this regard.
HUL has officially declined to comment on the case citing the subject to be sub judice, but our sources inform that the company was worried over the possible outcomes of the case. The company might argue that Vaibhav was hopelessly unattractive and unintelligent and didn't possess the bare minimum requirements for the Axe effect to take place. Officially HUL has not issued any statement, but legal experts believe that HUL could have tough time convincing the court.
"HUL might be tempted to take that line of argument, but it is very risky. There is no data to substantiate the supposition that unattractive and unintelligent men don't attract women. In fact some of the best looking women have been known to marry and date absolutely ghoulish guys. I'd suggest that the company settles this issue out of court." noted lawyer Ram Jhoothmalani said.

Regards,

N

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Reactions to Obama's Nobel Prize

Reactions to Obama's Nobel Prize

News item: US President Obama has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for "His International Diplomacy, specifically for his call for complete nuclear disarmament".

On hearing this, I did a quick survey of people from different walks of life (all imaginary, of course - no offence meant to anyone - dead, alive or otherwise), and got a whole range of responses:

• Mayawati - "I've called for all the people in the country to vote for me and my party in all forthcoming elections. Therefore, I should be made the permanent Prime Minister of India"

• Sreesanth - "I've decided to bowl real fast and pick up lots of wickets. Hence, umpires must give some batsman out once every three overs that I bowl."

• Quick Gun Murugan - "I've made a call for the whole world to become vegetarian. Hence all meat processing units should stop functioning with immediate effect"

• Kapil Sibal - "I hereby declare that my proposed modifications to system of education prevailing in the country will result in the best universities in the world. Hence the Nobel committee must award atleast 2 Nobel prizes to academicians in Indian Universities every 5 years."

• Banta Singh - "I've decided to learn everything about the stock markets and become an expert - Hence all shares that I buy should immediately start going up after I buy them. All public sector mutual funds should allocate at least 20% of their Assets Under Management to buy shares that I hold in my portfolio."

• Ramalinga Raju - "I've declared that Maytas Properties has lent lots of money to Satyam. Therefore, Satyam should pay all that money to Maytas Properties"

• P Chidambaram - "I call upon all Pakistanis to stop infilterating into Kashmir. I demand that all Maoists lay down arms and become a part of the mainstream society. Hence, there should be no further infilteration into Kashmir and there should be no problems of any kind from Maoists."

• Actor Abishek Bachchan - "I've determined that my grandson to be born over the next couple of decades will act in a superlative manner and ensure that he will act in at least 40 'superhit' films a year for the first 30 years of his life. Hence he should be be given the "Dadasaheb Phalke Award" for life-time achievement in the film industry - in advance. After all, if people can be given Bharat Ratna posthumously, why can't people be given awards in advance?"

• Pranab Mukherjee - "I request all OPEC members to increase Oil production and reduce prices. Hence Oil prices should immediately come down to $ 25 per barrel and remain below that level"

• Ms. Kanimozhi - "I request gold prices to come down as I want all citizens of TN to buy jewllery at a low cost under the governance of Kalignar Karunanidhi. Hence gold prices should immediately come down and remain muted - at least till Jayalalitha comes back to power"

 

Regards,

N

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Hope - The eternal elixir of Life

Hope - The eternal elixir of Life

Ever suffered from a bout of envy, nee, jealousy at that "20-something" genius whose brilliance overshadows all those strenuous efforts from you? Ever wondered why that school-drop-out classmate of yours has managed to create an entire business empire focussing on selling pet food while you're still struggling in your late 30's, 40's, 50's?

Don't worry - you still have hope - Perhaps, you're one of those "late-blooming" geniuses. Recent research by David Galenson on Creativity just goes on to show precisely that.

Enjoy the link:

• Read the article by David Galenson

And if someone is comparing you to that "smart-Alec" kid, just quote Galenson and the link above and let the world know that they just have to wait a few more years to know your true worth!

Regards,

N

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